


To Never Be Loved

by Creed Cascade (creedcascade)



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Denial, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-20
Updated: 2011-11-20
Packaged: 2017-10-26 07:33:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/280424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creedcascade/pseuds/Creed%20Cascade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony is trying to find something he needs. Something he can’t get from Gibbs. Maybe it found him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Never Be Loved

No one knew that at least once a month Tony DiNozzo went to the inner city. He always checked to make sure he wasn't being tailed. It was second nature, even though he didn't want anyone to know what he was doing. You could never guess when he went. Usually it was in between cases, but most often after a difficult case. Sometimes he went in the evening and sometimes in the morning. Anyone who knew Tony would probably guess he was up to something unsavoury.

The smile on Tony's face hid the pain and disgust welling inside from the team's most recent case. The cases with children involved where always the hardest, especially on Gibbs. Even though he had showered and changed, Tony could still feel the little girl's blood and tears on his hands.

Tony moved from the shadows and walked up the stone steps. He took out two twenty dollar bills from his wallet wondering if it would be enough. Not wanting to risk it, he took out another twenty. It wouldn't buy what he really wanted, but this was always a temporary relief. He opened the heavy door and hesitated on the threshold. Even after all this time, he was always nervous and felt guilty coming here. He felt hypocritical doing this. Tony felt like he didn't belong here, but he still needed it.

He finally stepped across the threshold and there was no turning back now. As the door slammed behind him, the comfort of routine washed over him. This was familiar. He knew his knees would ache by the time he left here, but it would all be worth it.

Tony reached out and his fingers dipped into the holy water. He crossed himself and sighed. He put the sixty dollars into the church charity box. Tonight he would like a candle and pray for the girl. He would give confession and ask for his penance. Though he knew there was never enough penance for his sins. He could never say enough Hail Mary's to change who he was. To change what he wanted.

By tomorrow, the smile would be back on Tony's face. The pain would be pushed back and hidden. He could laugh and joke again. If the world laughed with you, it wouldn’t laugh at you.

++++++

Tony DiNozzo loved women. He loved the way they smelt. They way their skin and lips were so soft. Even the way they drove him crazy was fun. Women always kept him guessing. Each woman was different and despite what people said, Tony was capable of loving a woman.

He had loved Kate for her smile and her teasing ways. He loved Abby for her spirit. He loved Ziva for her bravery. He loved them because they were his family. Tony was capable of loving a woman, but it wasn't the type of love his girlfriends wanted. After the thrill of the chase was over, he would much rather spend the night alone watching a movie then watching a woman moon over him. They wanted devotion and fidelity. They wanted his heart and attention. But he can never give them that.

His whole life he had been looking for something... for someone. The perfect woman. But one thing he had learned was there was no such thing as the "perfect woman".

Tony had always pushed the boundaries. It was exactly that attitude that had gotten him sent off to the military prep school chosen by his father. His father had wanted him to find responsibility there and tow the family line. Instead Tony had learned two things there. That he loved the structure of a military organization and also that he got incredibly turned on by a man in a uniform.

Then he met Gibbs and everything collided. His professional and personal life focused on this intense man.

He remembered the first time Gibbs looked at him. A shiver had run up his spine. He had found what he was looking for in Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

The job was everything he wanted. It was more than a job. It was a life. They were over worked, under paid and sleep deprived. And the entire team worked all the harder because they worked for and with Gibbs. Because no one worked harder than Gibbs. He never demanded anything from his team that he wasn’t willing to do himself. They were all devoted to him.

Like them all, Tony was fiercely devoted to Gibbs. There was no denying the hero worship. There was always a constant feeling that he was somehow disappointing Gibbs. That Gibbs was always judging and he was always found lacking.

Gibbs caught him watching. He didn’t say anything. Just looked back with those piercing, intense eyes and considered Tony. Tony kept watching Gibbs, waiting for the axe to fall, but it didn’t.

So Tony pushed. He chased after women. He played the fool. Tony pretended he was dumb. And still Gibbs just watched him back, judging him. Nothing Tony did seemed to get Gibbs to react.

Tony started to get that itch again. The itch that told him that it was time to move on. That it was time to find something… someone new. He had ignored it for so long thinking Gibbs would be the cure. Tony was seriously thinking about a transfer when Gibbs had showed up to his place one night.

It was like Gibbs could sense Tony slipping away and had to reel him back in. Gibbs hadn’t said anything. He had smacked Tony in the back of the head, but his hand lingered. It lingered and gripped painfully in Tony’s hair forcing Tony down to his knees.

That night Gibbs had shown Tony there was no escaping. Gibbs would give him this taste, almost like bait, but not everything. Just enough to keep Tony where Gibbs wanted him and on Gibbs’ terms.

And Tony was willing to take whatever he could get.

++++++

When he saw her the first time, she was wearing a very short skirt. She laughed and flirted with Tony. By the third date he had gotten lucky and she was talking about having brunch with her sister. They never had a fourth date because Tony made sure to get caught checking out another woman in a short skirt.

The next time he met her, he was jogging in a local park. He didn't remember her name.

Tony did the whole 'polite head nod' thing and jogged on the spot. "Oh, hey..."

She didn’t have a short skirt on, but Tony noticed she had a bigger rack. He lifted his gaze up, trying to remember to look her in the eyes. He didn’t need to be slapped by a new mom with a baby in tow. He wasn’t that big of a jerk.

"It's Bethany."

"Right, hey Beth." Tony smiled and waved stupidly at the baby.

"Bethany," she corrected him. He had also forgotten that she hated her name shortened.

Tony was always glad to see the women he had been involved with happy. They sometimes had hard feeling, but he didn't. He looked at the little baby dressed in blue she was holding and genuinely smiled.

"He's a cutie." Tony wiggled his fingers in the baby’s face. “Real lady killer.”

"Thanks," she told him. "He's yours."

++++++

Everyone knows that Gibbs keeps a photo of his daughter's headstone at work. But Tony is one of the few people who know that Gibbs keeps a picture of his first wife Shannon and their daughter Kelly in his bedside table. He knows deep down that Shannon was the love of his life and that if she was still living, they would still be happily together. He thinks Gibbs is so fond of Abby because she reminds him somehow of his daughter.

Sometimes when Tony is feeling exceedingly sorry for himself, usually after a few too many beers and while watching some stupid romantic comedy, Tony wishes Gibbs would show him more affection than a slap upside the back of the head.

Gibbs never violated Rule 12, 'Don't date a co-worker' because they weren't dating. Dating implies affection and a connection.

Tony's not a woman. He's not a redhead. He's not what Gibbs wants or needs. He's just who Gibbs settles for sometimes. Tony loves someone who doesn't love him back.

++++++

The knock on his door startled Tony. He had been sitting on the couch, staring at an envelope. Tony had been sitting there so long that the movie he had been watching had been scrolling through the credits, finally just flashing to the menu screen.

He was in just his jeans and got up to answer the door. Even though he was tired, he checked the spy hole. You could never be too careful.

Tony opened the door when he saw it was Gibbs with his ever present cup of coffee. "Boss... "

Gibbs sipped at the coffee and easily shouldered his way past Tony.

“Gibbs…” Always Gibbs. Never Jethro.

"You're making a mistake."

Tony hadn't told Gibbs about the baby, but he had no doubt that's why the man was here. He didn’t know how Gibbs found out, but right now he didn’t care.

"It's my day off," Tony reminded him and closed the door. "We have a case?"

"No case." Gibbs just stood there and took another sip.

"I know you're thinking of marrying her." Tony half expected Gibbs to smack him up the back side of his head. "It would be a mistake."

"How?" Tony asked. Gibbs didn't answer, just took a long sip from his travel mug. “You got married how many times?” Gibbs just raised his eyebrow and took yet another sip. “I don’t even know yet, okay?”

Gibbs made a non-committal sound. “How stupid do you have to be to let it happen in the first place?”

Tony signed and rubbed the back of his head. “The condom broke. It happens. I got an HIV test and it came up negative.”

“It’s stupid.” Gibbs set his coffee down on the aptly named coffee table.

“Look, Gibbs, if you’re here just to…” Tony wasn’t able to finish. Gibbs stalked over to Tony. Before Tony could switch out of his tired, self righteous thoughts, Gibbs was kissing him. Kissing him possessively and without restraint.

“I won’t let you marry her,” Gibbs whispered to him hoarsely. “I won’t let you make that mistake.”

“If the kid’s mine…”

“You wouldn’t be doing him a favour by marrying her,” Gibbs insisted. He kissed him again, this time more gently. “I know…” He stopped and cupped Tony’s cheek. He ran his thumb along Tony’s stubbled jaw line. “I know I can’t give you everything you want… need. But, this isn’t the way.”

Tony sighed and closed his eyes. “I don’t even know.”

“What do you want it to be?” The question was asked in a hoarse whisper from Gibbs.

In his mind, Tony had a fantasy of a wife and child. Someone to share the simple things in life with. Watching movies together. Maybe a dog. Tony had always liked dogs. Eat a home cooked meal, even if it was burnt. Someone to argue over lost socks and leaving the toilet seat up.

He had none of that with Gibbs. Instead with Gibbs he shared a history. A history marred with pain, blood, death and lives saved. They had shared a good bottle of scotch. They had shared a bed. They had shared a knowing look when Gibbs woke Tony up so he could sneak out before the neighbours saw him.

“The idea of marrying her… it’s just an idea. Even if I asked, she’d say no . She doesn’t love me.”

But neither do you. Tony wanted to say that, but he didn’t. Instead he somehow found the strength to pull away from Gibbs. Pull away from the man who was his boss and everything he wanted to be. The man who thought of what he felt and shared with Tony as a weakness.

Tony walked over to the coffee table and picked up the envelope he had been staring at. It contained the DNA results for the baby. For Bethany’s baby that could be his. She was just a face among so many women, but the idea of a son was both frightening and exciting. A son would mean unconditional love.

He mentally rebuked himself. Gibbs wouldn’t be acting like this. He would have opened the envelope and found out. But now that it was in his hand, he just starred at his again.

“Gibbs, I can’t…” His palms were so sweaty that it dampened the paper. Gibbs moved until he was standing beside him. His hand grasped Tony’s wrist. From his wrist, it moved up to take the envelope.

“Please…” Tony’s voice was broken.

Gibbs opened the envelope and Tony looked away. He held his breath until Gibbs told him.

“He’s not.”

A simple efficient answer. Tony didn’t have a son.

Tony felt empty. Now he realized that he had wanted to be the father. That he had wanted that even though he knew it wasn’t for the best. He wanted a family, even if it was only one little boy he had only see a handful of times.

Gibbs was the first to speak. He didn’t comfort Tony. He refolded the test and put it back in the envelope, laying it back on the coffee table. “This doesn’t change anything.”

“I know.”

It didn’t change that Gibbs was his boss. It didn’t change the reality that even if he left NCIS, that Gibbs couldn’t be with him. Gibbs’ heart had been buried long ago with his first wife and daughter. Gibbs’ life on the earth now was just passing time. Passing time until he could be with them again. And Gibbs would sacrifice and give all of himself to make a difference, trying to make sure his tragedy never happened again. It made him the tragic hero that attracted Tony in the first place.

It didn’t change that Tony wanted Gibbs to comfort him. To invite him home and make the pain go away. But that wasn’t going to happen.

Gibbs picked up his travel mug and had already started to walk towards the door. “I expect you in tomorrow at the usual time.”

“Of course, Boss.”

Gibbs hesitated, his hand reaching for the door knob. “You can still find that with another woman. It’ll happen.”

Tony couldn’t answer that. He felt his mouth dry and eyes itch, so he turned and grabbed the remote control. He punched some random buttons, fixing his eyes on the screen, but not seeing.

“Just stay away from red heads.” With that Gibbs left Tony alone.

No one else would be Gibbs.

Tonight he would visit a church and pray even though he wasn’t sure what he was praying for anymore.

END.


End file.
